Dear Youniverse,
On the night of August 29th, I was taking a break from a notably intensive cleaning of our living room and kitchen. Since I had nothing else to do, I channeled my good mood and energy into a meticulous house cleaning. Everything seemed normal that night, which made me suspicious because I believe the old adage that says bad luck will come your way if your day isn't balanced and you consistently experience happiness without feeling the contrary in exchange. I've had several experiences that proved the proverb that "a person can't go through a day without experiencing both delight and grief," and yet it happened again. I've noticed that whenever I experience euphoria, something bad or saddening happens to me shortly afterward. This makes me want to maintain stability as much as possible, but who am I to control when I will experience bliss? Being human, I am entitled to some degree of serenity. On August 29th, I did nothing but talk with my loved ones all day long. We spent the day together cracking jokes, playing with George, and eating meryenda; it was a wonderful day, and I was afraid that since I was so happy, something terrible would happen to me or that I would experience an overwhelming sense of despair in exchange for my temporary state of bliss. Due to the rarity of such occasions, I will always treasure the time we spent together sharing a meal, catching up, and making memories. Later that day, after doing some mild housework, I went back to my room, where I was met with overwhelming melancholy. I was looking through my photos when I realized my eyes were not located properly. At first I dismissed it as a fluke or faulted the photographer's equipment, but then I realized the problem persisted across all of my pictures. My doctor had previously informed me that I was at a high risk of developing lazy eyes, and as a precaution, he had purposefully mismatched my eye lenses to my grade level; unfortunately, I still developed lazy eyes despite his safety measures. Lazy eye is one of my worst fears because there is so little we can do to treat it and even less possibility that it can be cured. As a result of my extreme anxiety, I began to sob uncontrollably. I was getting close to writing a will and sending out final messages in case my eyes suddenly failed to function. In some cases, people with lazy eyes can go blind in one or both of their affected eyes. Untreated or delayed treatment of lazy eyes might result in permanent vision loss. I sobbed because I'm a recent college graduate with no savings because I intend to immediately begin applying for jobs after receiving my civil service license, and I feel absolutely helpless because I have no idea how to treat my lazy eyes or even where to begin searching for answers on them. Whether or not my lazy eyes can be cured, whether or not they can be saved, and whether or not they will live till the day I have enough money to treat them are all questions that remain unanswered. I worry that I won't be able to see the future well enough to achieve my goals and dreams if that time comes, and that my eyes have already gone blind.
Whenever I reflect on why I didn't realize it sooner, I always come back to blaming myself. When I first realized my eyes were misaligned, they weren't too severe, and the dislocation wasn't very obvious, so I shrugged it off, supposing it was just a passing phase or that I was simply sleep deprived. Now that I'm having a number of symptoms—my right eye, for example, feels heavy, feels itchy, and often aches—and reading some articles claiming that, if left untreated or treated late, I may go blind, I'm alarmed and frightened. When I realized the severity of the situation and realized I might go blind as a result, I sobbed helplessly. For a while there, I considered suicide as an alternative to being blind. No way could I survive in that setting. Weeping, I decided to put my final words and my will into writing for my loved ones in the likelihood that my life took an unexpected turn. To be sure, I want to thrive in this world, not merely endure it; nevertheless, if life with you is this unbearable, I'd rather not. I want to live not just survive. Too late for me to realize that I'm a living hell.
Sometimes I ask myself, my family, and the creator, "Why me?", Why do I have to endure these disorders? linked to these maladies? from these flaws? All I ever wanted was to feel good and beautiful, free from insecurities, and live a normal and peaceful life, but here I am, suffering from these illnesses and disorders, helplessly surviving each day, literally a living hell, and to made the situation worse, I wasn't born wealthy enough to cure everything and free myself from anguishes.
Oh God, this is one of the reasons why I'm starting to doubt your existence, but I beg you to prove me wrong. Don't only help me; aid any and all creatures in distress.
Best Regards,
Moonchild.
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