To my dearest Nanay Jasmin,
Today is the 40th day since you and I parted ways. This is your final day with us, as your soul has reached the destination to the afterlife. Your untimely death took a toll on me, and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that you're gone.
I will never forget the day my grandmother died. The day my life took a dramatic turn.
The loss of Nanay Jasmin is unforeseen for me and everyone else. We were just together a month ago when she unexpectedly passed away. She is the only grandparent I have left in the world and one of the grandparents to whom I am most attached, beside Tatay Ding. I could not fathom my grandmother's passing. Due to the rapid escalation of events, I was unable to follow through and catch up. I believed that everything was going well, progressing, and that there was still signs of improvement, but I was left with nothing. I was unaware that my final visit to my grandmother in the hospital would be the last time I would see her alive. I believed that my grandmother would still be able to see my graduation, my success, and all of my future accomplishments, but it appears that I was too late.
After the death of my grandmother, my faith in God was shattered. I had to reevaluate my entire life's purpose and meaning. Having to deal with the death of a family member was extremely draining. Devastated, I cried myself to sleep.
It didn't take long for my emotions to become out of control after I was subjected to this unpleasant experience. I rerun her death over and over in my mind, yet I can't shake the misery that it brings back to my thoughts. In the midst of these terrible and overwhelming thoughts, I nevertheless tried to comprehend and cope with the fact that both life and death are intertwined.
My final day with Nanay Jasmin was an emotional roller coaster. During the last day of Nanay Jasmin's funeral, the family held a mass. I figured I could put up a facade because it's what I'm best at, I don't want to be a laughingstock among the family or remembered as the most emotional since I'm not the most beloved granddaughter and we hardly see each other due to circumstances, and I want to at least appear nonchalant about what happened to prevent myself from experiencing my greatest breakdown. I did put up a front and did my best to keep my emotions in check while the chain of events unfolded. From Nanay Jasmin's friends and coworkers, to her family, numerous people offered speeches. My plans are being executed flawlessly. Recollections that remind us of Nanay Jasmin are remembered. I was completely fine, despite the fact that a few stories caused me to shed a few tears, but I recovered fast and effectively masked this fact from everyone. However when it came Tito Toti's turn to speak, I believed everything was fine, that I did a great job of managing and controlling myself, and that I remained stable and tranquil. In the midst of a mass and the recollection of memories of Nanay Jasmin, I did my best to prevent my tears from falling, but I was unaware that Tito Toti was the trigger. As soon as he began speaking— I lost it, tears began to fall; hearing his stories caused me to sob perpetually, to the point that my heart can no longer handle it. My emotions are preventing me from stopping. Tito Toti's stories were pure slices of life of Nanay Jasmin which also the reason why I sobbed enormously. Every memory that Tito Toti recalls brings tears to my eyes. Just imagining a life without Nanay Jasmin made me bawled. Nanay Jasmin may not be adept at expressing her love for her family through words, but she is excellent at making us feel loved, cared, and protected. It appears that all of her deeds toward us were fueled by love, care, and protection. She is the most wonderful grandmother in the entire universe. The loss of Nanay Jasmin weighed heavily on me. I cannot accept everything, nor do I believe I am able to accept everything. The death of Nanay Jasmin led to the deterioration of my whole universe— my entire well-being.
My grandmother was not just adored by her family, but by everyone. She attends every function, party, and holiday. She always placed her family ahead of herself. One of the things for which I will be always grateful to her is the fact that she always showered her grandchildren with everything she could give, never neglecting her own children. She is the most generous, kind, and affectionate grandmother in the entire universe.
—A friend of yours told us that you were aware of the symptoms of your condition, but kept it to yourself to save your children from worrying. Even in your final hours with us, I was unable to do anything since I was oblivious of what you had done for the greater good. I'm baffled as to why God chose to take you away from us so young. After all your years of hard work, you've earned the privilege of being pampered and spoilt by your loved ones, but I had no idea that I was too late to make that happen. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to see you one last time before you died.
I believe I'll never forgive the world for taking you away from us, but at the same time, I wish to comprehend your decision to not warn us of your terrible state; perhaps you wanted to visit Lolo or rest already? I hope you're happy with your status quo and wherever you are right now.
Sometimes the best-laid plans don't come to fruition. Family is the greatest gift you can receive, especially if you've lost someone you valued and looked up to for a long time.
Your relationship with God has blossomed, and that is a wonderful thing. I'm glad you're in a better place now and that you're at peace. A part of me still struggles to accept that you are no longer here. Knowing that we shall reunite in the future gives me great peace of mind and happiness. That I am your grandchild fills me with joy beyond words. The lessons you imparted to me have shaped my character. What genuinely inspires me about you is your unwavering belief in God.
I'll miss the moments we spent together, especially our occasional celebration—My grandmother were always one of the most important people in my life; To be honest, you were the one who held us all together. Your presence in my life was a blessing, and I am grateful to have you in it. There's only one thing I regret: not having you around for a bit longer. When I consider how truly gone you are, my heart breaks. As if it isn't possible. Time will bring me more peace, but your memories will never fade away. It's impossible for Heaven to separate us because we had such a strong connection and shared so many precious memories over the years. My life would not have been the same without you at my side. I am very grateful to have you as a grandmother, and I can't wait to see you again. I know you're here with me at all times. I know that you have taken on the role of my guardian angel and will never abandon me. Nanay Jasmin, no matter what happens, I'll always have a special place for you in my heart.
Nanay Jasmin, you were the epitome of what it means to be a wonderful person.
You may now rest in peace.
I love you with all my heart, Nanay Jasmin.
Until we meet again. See you when I see you.
Moonchild.
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